relocating

I’ve been living in Nashville for about two months now. I kind of like it. I kind of don’t.

So profound, I know. 

About a year or two ago I was starting to feel like I needed a change. I felt stuck but didn’t know how to change it. It always seems harder than it is to do the things you know you need to do. I had (have) a good life in general, but I was frustrated with a lot of things- having a long distance relationship that seemed to have no foreseeable end to the long distance, feeling like I wasn’t satisfied with my work life, having to balance an out–of -balance family life, feeling like I cared more about things than I should, wishing I could just not see certain people but couldn’t find an excuse aside from “you suck,” wishing I had more money, the list goes on.

Then things slowly began to change. We got engaged after seven years. A few months later he got transferred to Nashville. And there it was: the perfect opening.

I kind of hate explaining to people or prospective employers why I moved here. “Well, my fiancé got a job transfer, so we decided it was a good move to make together.” It’s a perfectly valid statement, but then I think in the back of my head, “I sound like a girl who follows her man around and doesn’t have a mind of her own,” which is harsher than it actually is.  He is the main reason why I am here, but there are so many other reasons why I was willing to make the move.

I moved here because I needed to. I was unhappy. I complained about work all the time. Family members drove me insane. INSANE. I constantly felt like I was walking a tight rope with my parents because I was the oldest, because I was there, because they felt they could rely on me. They can. But there is a limit and I reached mine.  I envied my sister who knew she wanted to be somewhere else and made it happen.  I wanted to shut people out but couldn’t give them a reason why, that I was a least willing to say out loud, and so I didn’t.  I was reaching a point where I felt like I wasn’t able to take care of myself because I wasn’t happy enough to do so.

Now that I am here, I miss Charlotte quite a bit (so contradictory!). It is my home, where I mostly grew up, where most of my closest friends are. At some point, I would like to move back.  Because at some point, I won’t feel the way I did anymore.

I drove back to Charlotte last week, a few days after finding out I got a new job here (yay!). I start in a little over week, so I took the opportunity to take the time off I have left and I extended my stay. I was so happy to see my family, have dinner with my friends, drive in a city and know exactly where I was going, and to be home.

But it was also a very quick reminder of all the things I felt when I lived there. While my heart felt a little heavy when I crossed the state line back to Tennessee,  now I can say that even though my time in Nashville has been short, I am appreciative of what this city can do for me in becoming a healthier person, mentally at least…there are way too many southern style restaurants around here.